Fishbone Series - Applying Six Sigma process to understand why i am Still Single. INTRODUCTIONS

Someone once asked me... "How do you do it? It’s been almost a year worth of dry spell.”

Initially in my head I give this person a mental "finger" and try to say polite things in response, like. “I've been busy”  “I’m a workaholic” or the most recent response i am currently using since its almost the end of the year is.. “I need to catch up on my yearly book quota.”

But seriously, it’s not for the lack of trying.  I am not trying to toot my own horn here but for a person on my age bracket... I consider myself a successful one in my industry. I earn well, I am not dumb, I love to read and as of the moment working on my #Adulting101 goals which is about 85% to completion.

However, for reasons that has always elude me... The type that i am attracted too always prefers the "bimbo's" of my kind. The one with all smiles, yes and your my hero type of sparkle in their eyes.

I am absolutely 100% not that kind of person.

 

Let me share to you a true story.

Last year, just to make sure i crossed out all the possible scenarios as to why I’m still single. i did a fishbone diagram of my current predicament. The glaring part of this diagram aside from NO TIME and DOES NOT LIKE BAR HOPPING is that i tend to have be very OPINIONATED type of person. Which shouldn't be the case since we live in the 21st century but it seems that even as technology progresses us forward... Men’s mentality is still stuck in the CAVE where it originally is from. MEN WORK and WOMEN fawns over men...

i have a lot of strong female friends who will right about shout at me now and a lot of progressive gay and straight men who is ready to call my hypothesis "BS" once they hear this. I am just being honest here... It was a theory at first.  So being all scientific, I decided to do a social experiment. Don’t disclose your work and just smile and "fawn" over every word he says.

 

Truth enough it got me to have an MU. However since it’s not in my nature to be like this. it was only a matter of time before i snap at the rope and provided my opinion to the guy i was dating at the time on a topic about performance management. The relationship went south fast... So i can put that on my "Has Significant Impact" checklist.

 

So since there are still some part of my Fishbone Diagram that i haven't explored. I promised 2018 is all about completing that hypothesis.  

 

Because really after that whole mess.. i needed at least 6 months to recover

 

Kaligayahan Ayon sa Kanya

Ang Hirap… Ang Hirap palang pilit mong hindi pansinin ang taong mahal mo.. yung nag message cya sa iyo sa Facebook, sa SMS etc.

Pero Kailangan talaga. kailangan mo turoan cya ng leksyon na hindi pwede ganito nalang palagi.

Hindi pwede kung kailan nya gusto magparamdam sa iyo.. lilipas ang mga araw.. okay lang.

Hindi pwede lahat ng kaligayahan ay naayun sa kanya.. kung kalian ok cya o Kailan cya komportable.

Paano naman ako? Yung mga gusto ko and kaligayahan ko? 

Daily Prayer

Signs

I was having a conversation with my cousins partner yesterday and somehow apart from our financial conversation we somehow talked about our relationship or in my case the lack of.

we got to talk about current situation and how Important communication is and that it's vital for partners to talk. when I was talking I suddenly had to make some statements  that if these questions was asked 5 years ago I would be able to answer it confidently and with conviction. Now, as I am making my statement I somehow am having doubts. The question was "do you believe in long distance relationship?"

I had a 15 second pause before and after my answer.  And if you are curious about my answer being an eternal  optimist when it comes to love. Was a resounding "Yes"...

Vin's face  being an eternal pessimist. I couldn't even describe it.. "enjoy it lang.. you do know where that is going right?..."
"YES" That was my answer... "from the very beginning I already saw red flags all over.." I was really talking fast so he wouldn't notice that I was trembling... "People change and people move. For the right reasons and right conditions. Someday will know but for now I am happy with what we have.. even if we refuse to put any labels on it..."

At the back of my head.. " when the time comes dhon...will he? Will u take that step to relocate?........"

I quickly changed topic and diverted the question back to him and his relationship. 

Since our conversation last night. I am having doubts and fears.. its like walking into a mine field. Baby steps but even that is a potential disaster waiting to happen ... i don't know anymore...

JUST FOR YOU.

Dear Chubby Cheeks,

Give a little time to me or burn this out,

We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,

All I want is the taste that your lips allow,

My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

Give me love like never before,

'Cause lately I've been craving more,

And it's been a while but I still feel the same,

Maybe I should let you go,

After I listened to this music. I couldn't understand how I felt.. it was a mixture of so many emotions.. anger, sadness, jealousy etc.

I travelled for 8 hours and stayed there for 3 days. I even have to stay 2 towns away from bacolod so i can be there.  Yet you only spent 3 hours with me. I know i don't have the right to ask for your time.. time is for you a very precious commodity. However,  i didnt came all the way to bacolod for the festival.

SCREW the festival! I travelled for 8 hours for you. Just for you!

My goal was to get to know you more so we can talk more. Spend more time with you... watch a movie...

I wanted you to share your experiences, thoughts and your ideas. The same way I was planning to share mine.

Apparently it was abundantly clear what I am to you. I am worth 3 hours of your time. 3 hours... that's my worth..

I don't know maybe this is more that what you normally give your friends but I don't know. For me, if you like the person. You spend as much time as you can as often as you can.

I felt really sad but i remain hopeful.

Someday... someday... i will.be worth more than 3 hours of your time...

Love,

Dhon

Feelings and Expirations

Even the strongest feeling expires when ignored.....

10.06.2014

Mr. Traveler:

Now you're really making me feel guilty. Ugh. Dont like the feeling. Its bcoz i read your blog. I'm just in bed & doing nothing.

Dhon:

(totally forgot he knows the link to my blog. F*Ck!) Tigas! sabi ko sa iyo don't ever read my blog

Mr. Traveler:

Sorry don.I have no idea lng thats how you feel pala

Dhon:

I'm sorry too …. It was unfair of me to write that blog… Just disregard that...

Mr. Traveler:

Should we text pa?

Dhon:

I don't know... should we?

Mr. Traveler:

I dont know. Hehe i like to. But ikw im not doin any good to you...you know with all the moving on...and history repeat itself thing.

Hugs (His first virtual hug!)

********After several viber messages******

Mr. Traveler:

“Kinda like you actually thats all the pacute thing. But i dont know. I dont want you to go through what you've went through before i'm just going to be unfair to…”

Dhon:

I kinda like you too :)

*******

the conversation that made it clear.. he is ready to fight. To fight for something he believe in.

i made a promise to myself that i will never push him to do anything that he is not willing to do.

This is his journey.. his own time  and if he will allow me to be apart of it. i will be the happiest person in the world. I will be holding his hands and will always make sure that he will feel i am always at his side.

as i am writing this i am laughing out loud. i am way over my head.. it was a small admission on his part however i am very proud of him for being honest and true to himself. I know its not as easy as it seems. he is a man of his word so i know it took a lot of courage and guts.

at least i am slowly getting to know him and at the same time he is slowly getting to know me. i did warn him already that i can be very difficult person and i have a lot of quirks. I am not exactly the most patient or the most understanding person but i am glad that as early as now… we are already placing our cards on the table.

Open Heart

Just how dangerous is an Open Heart?...

As i was talking (Through SMS)  with Mr. Traveller. he confessed that he has never had any same sex relationship and that he is not sure of what he is. I felt like a dagger was pierced through my heart and my hands were shaking. suddenly all of my fears started to come back.

“It can’t be!.... it just can’t be… why does this always happen to me? do i have sign stuck in my forehead that says “Confuse people are welcome here!” its another Mr. Complicated series waiting to happen… i was barely able to come out alive the last time.. will i be so lucky this time?

Fear, Confusion, self pity visited me last night and i barely slept… i kept thinking.."what have i gotten myself into?  i really like the person… F*ck!!

Could it be since i was slowly healing my wounds with Mr. Complicated that i became too complacent in terms of guarding my heart. There is that old saying in our culture that the best way for the wound to heal is to remove the bandage and let it air out.. Maybe that's what my heart did… to hasten the healing process open the heart and air out the wound.

Unfortunately it didn’t quite work as plan.. that an Open Heart is a dangerous thing.

I have to close it back again before its too late… i am not sure when i will open it back again.. in the next year or the next 5 years.. all i know is that unless i am 100% sure i won't risk it.

Insensitive

Disappointed.. 
Hurt.... 

I don't know if he is doing this in purpose. Being insensitive.
Isn't it obvious? I like you.  For crying out loud.  I wouldn't be wasting my time replying to your messages or not sleep early just to talk to you... 

stop this Dhon... you know that this is not good for you.  An expose heart is a very dangerous thing

Coffee and Mr. Backpacker

What’s with you, Mr. Backpacker? 

Why do I end up smiling every time we talk either via phone or SMS. 

I don’t understand what’s happening… your messages to me are like my morning coffee.

My day will never be complete without it.  

OPEN LETTER: To my one and only MR. COMPLICATED

Dear Mr. Complicated,

This letter is 6 months in the making. It took me 6 months to sit down in front of my laptop to write a letter to you.  Yes, it has been 6 months since that day.

 It took me this long to muster enough strength to face all the feelings (the good and the bad) I have carefully wrapped with all the tears I shed and buckets of beer I consumed to act as an envelope and sealant.

Remember those times when we would be invisible to the world? We would turn off our phones or at least place it on Silent-Vibration Off.  We were happy in our own little world.  There we shared everything our opinions, heart and soul. 

We fought about the best Anime of all time, best movie and favorite dishes. Korean vs. Japanese, I still believe it’s Japanese! 

We kissed like there was no tomorrow and cuddle till we fall asleep.

I was HAPPY and I know you were HAPPY also.

For the first time after a very long time, I let someone inside my heart.

I remembered you use to comfort me when I got stressed out at work and you would just listen to me and hug me like there’s no tomorrow.  

I still remembered when you thought that I was asleep. You whispered something to me that made me cry.. “Dhon.. sana nagging babae ka nalang… “I felt like a knife pierced through my heart. I waited for you to fall asleep and cried at the bathroom.

That was the beginning of the end. 

I was such in a dark place for 6 months even until now. 

I guess I was partly to blame since I know from the very beginning you didn't want to be in a relationship that it was just for fun and good time. 

I wish things were different..

I wish you were braver

I wish i was a bit stronger 

I went as far as cursing and making a Deal with GOD..

I guess I need to take the hint that there are just something that are not meant to be. 

just so you know... i am still teaching my heart to stop loving you. i haven't had much progress and it will take some time. i know one day we will both come to realize and understand the purpose of the time and the Love we both shared. 

I know together with that realization is a glue that will allow me to piece my heart back together so i can learn to love again with all of my unbroken heart. 

Love,

DHON 

Random thoughts in Gigantes Island

STARTING OVER (?/!)

I am trying to figure out what the appropriate punctuation mark I should place in my tittle.  still juggling If it should be a question mark or an exclamation point.  I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite but this isn’t exactly my first starting over blog. In fact I believe this is my 3^rd and yet I still find myself writing about this again after almost a year of sabbatical from my blog.

Almost a year ago a friend of mine told me that I lived in never never land.. a fantasy of my own creation in the virtual world where I am just happy writing my “the what if’s” of my life.  He was concern that I will be like peter pan the boy that forgot to grow up.  That I will be happy with the possibility of a good life and forget to “Live a Life”. That statement got me thinking the whole night after our catch up session.

After that.. I simply decided to stop writing about the possibility of a good life and start living my life.

I went out into the world and experience what life has to offer.

In a span of almost a year..

Happiness with my new Job and a very considerable pay raise from my previous job

I went through heartaches and severe depression because of Mr. Complicated.

Trials and Triumphs that I face on a daily and weekly basis with the clients

Start up a totally new team and processes.

All of that.. I went through in just 12 months – 365 days.

I kept my promise. I went out to live a LIFE.  Yet after all that, I still find myself missing my old world.

Blogging has always been therapeutic to me and has kept me sane for a long time.

Writing my thoughts, Feelings, Opinions and Lessons I have learned.

I don’t wish to be famous in the blogosphere. My only wish in doing this is to give insights to some fellow bloggers and readers about certain things to help them through tough times. Like what other blogs has done for me.

So. I made a new promise to myself. Continue to write and blog.

Think of this as your PAY IT FORWARD…

Hello Blogosphere… I am back.. Back for good.

  

XXX

Dhon 

Are you Ready?

Someday. .

Random thoughts inside my head..
i realized that because I loved you unconditionally.. when we broke up.. i lost a part of me...

Someday I will be able to gain that back..

I will....

Day 1 - Random Thoughts

I suddenly found myself staring at the rain and then realize that it is indeed over.

It took almost 24 hours for that news to really sink in to my system i guess it was just waiting for the Vodka to vanish so i can take over.

As i was staring at my phone, i realize that i was about to send a message to you like what i always do to keep you updated on what i have been doing and telling you to Eat, Rest and this also includes the I love yous.  

Today was Hell for me. I am constantly fighting the urge to cry and to send you an iMessage to tell you to choose me instead of him. That i deserve your love and not him. These Thoughts and ideas just keep on popping in my head.. that i actually play my MUSIC on a MAX Volume so i won't hear myself think anymore and just focus on my work and the task that needs to be accomplished.

I am waiting for that time that i will be tired... Tired of feeling sorry for myself, Tired of having to feel like crap everyday and waiting for you to change your mind.

 I must accept reality.. It’s never gonna happen. 

Starting a new

I asked myself while I was smoking. "What did you learn today?" i answered enthusiastically. "I learn that in the Game of Love. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But no matter what happens do not give up on your dreams. If one person walks out on you and leaves you high and dry. Remember that is just one Love Lost versus a hundred or even thousand people who still loves you. The kind of love they can or will offer you don’t matter, Love is Love and it is Universal..."

So i will go to sleep tonight with that thought in my head and i will know that tomorrow will be great day.  It’s time to start a new. 

Open Letter - Wish Comfort Love

Have you ever wished that you have the "God-Like" ability to go anywhere you want in a speed of thought?
Me… not a day goes by that I don’t wish for that gift.

Through that gift, I am able to comfort you, be with you and hold your hand even if we are doing anything.
Just staring at the ceiling or outside counting stars while we paint together our hopes and dreams.

Every time we talk on the Phone, I get this tingling pain in my chest. The thought that I might be able to see you but i cannot touch you, Kiss you or hold your hand. This distance between us is like a prison without walls and the clock is ticking. It’s only a matter of time before we reach our breaking point and that scares the hell out of me.

But i have to be strong...i have to be strong not just for me but for “US”.
I have always told you that love transcends distance and if our love is strong and real it can overcome anything. I believe in that.. I hope you do as well.

Hold on.. I know we can make it through.

Always remember… I love you.

Loveyourself Is here in Cebu

Finally.. TheLoveyourself Project has expanded here in Cebu. I have waited for this for a long time.

Now i am a proud member of Loveyourself Cebu!

Learn more about us.
"Like" our FB Page:
https://www.facebook.com/TheLoveYourselfProjectCebu

Day 1 of 366 - Fresh

For 2012 - will start fresh on all aspect of my life. From Food to love life. I think I need it.. Scratch that. I DESERVE THIS.