Daily Prayer

Signs

I was having a conversation with my cousins partner yesterday and somehow apart from our financial conversation we somehow talked about our relationship or in my case the lack of.

we got to talk about current situation and how Important communication is and that it's vital for partners to talk. when I was talking I suddenly had to make some statements  that if these questions was asked 5 years ago I would be able to answer it confidently and with conviction. Now, as I am making my statement I somehow am having doubts. The question was "do you believe in long distance relationship?"

I had a 15 second pause before and after my answer.  And if you are curious about my answer being an eternal  optimist when it comes to love. Was a resounding "Yes"...

Vin's face  being an eternal pessimist. I couldn't even describe it.. "enjoy it lang.. you do know where that is going right?..."
"YES" That was my answer... "from the very beginning I already saw red flags all over.." I was really talking fast so he wouldn't notice that I was trembling... "People change and people move. For the right reasons and right conditions. Someday will know but for now I am happy with what we have.. even if we refuse to put any labels on it..."

At the back of my head.. " when the time comes dhon...will he? Will u take that step to relocate?........"

I quickly changed topic and diverted the question back to him and his relationship. 

Since our conversation last night. I am having doubts and fears.. its like walking into a mine field. Baby steps but even that is a potential disaster waiting to happen ... i don't know anymore...

JUST FOR YOU.

Dear Chubby Cheeks,

Give a little time to me or burn this out,

We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,

All I want is the taste that your lips allow,

My, my, my, my, oh give me love,

Give me love like never before,

'Cause lately I've been craving more,

And it's been a while but I still feel the same,

Maybe I should let you go,

After I listened to this music. I couldn't understand how I felt.. it was a mixture of so many emotions.. anger, sadness, jealousy etc.

I travelled for 8 hours and stayed there for 3 days. I even have to stay 2 towns away from bacolod so i can be there.  Yet you only spent 3 hours with me. I know i don't have the right to ask for your time.. time is for you a very precious commodity. However,  i didnt came all the way to bacolod for the festival.

SCREW the festival! I travelled for 8 hours for you. Just for you!

My goal was to get to know you more so we can talk more. Spend more time with you... watch a movie...

I wanted you to share your experiences, thoughts and your ideas. The same way I was planning to share mine.

Apparently it was abundantly clear what I am to you. I am worth 3 hours of your time. 3 hours... that's my worth..

I don't know maybe this is more that what you normally give your friends but I don't know. For me, if you like the person. You spend as much time as you can as often as you can.

I felt really sad but i remain hopeful.

Someday... someday... i will.be worth more than 3 hours of your time...

Love,

Dhon

Feelings and Expirations

Even the strongest feeling expires when ignored.....

10.06.2014

Mr. Traveler:

Now you're really making me feel guilty. Ugh. Dont like the feeling. Its bcoz i read your blog. I'm just in bed & doing nothing.

Dhon:

(totally forgot he knows the link to my blog. F*Ck!) Tigas! sabi ko sa iyo don't ever read my blog

Mr. Traveler:

Sorry don.I have no idea lng thats how you feel pala

Dhon:

I'm sorry too …. It was unfair of me to write that blog… Just disregard that...

Mr. Traveler:

Should we text pa?

Dhon:

I don't know... should we?

Mr. Traveler:

I dont know. Hehe i like to. But ikw im not doin any good to you...you know with all the moving on...and history repeat itself thing.

Hugs (His first virtual hug!)

********After several viber messages******

Mr. Traveler:

“Kinda like you actually thats all the pacute thing. But i dont know. I dont want you to go through what you've went through before i'm just going to be unfair to…”

Dhon:

I kinda like you too :)

*******

the conversation that made it clear.. he is ready to fight. To fight for something he believe in.

i made a promise to myself that i will never push him to do anything that he is not willing to do.

This is his journey.. his own time  and if he will allow me to be apart of it. i will be the happiest person in the world. I will be holding his hands and will always make sure that he will feel i am always at his side.

as i am writing this i am laughing out loud. i am way over my head.. it was a small admission on his part however i am very proud of him for being honest and true to himself. I know its not as easy as it seems. he is a man of his word so i know it took a lot of courage and guts.

at least i am slowly getting to know him and at the same time he is slowly getting to know me. i did warn him already that i can be very difficult person and i have a lot of quirks. I am not exactly the most patient or the most understanding person but i am glad that as early as now… we are already placing our cards on the table.

Open Heart

Just how dangerous is an Open Heart?...

As i was talking (Through SMS)  with Mr. Traveller. he confessed that he has never had any same sex relationship and that he is not sure of what he is. I felt like a dagger was pierced through my heart and my hands were shaking. suddenly all of my fears started to come back.

“It can’t be!.... it just can’t be… why does this always happen to me? do i have sign stuck in my forehead that says “Confuse people are welcome here!” its another Mr. Complicated series waiting to happen… i was barely able to come out alive the last time.. will i be so lucky this time?

Fear, Confusion, self pity visited me last night and i barely slept… i kept thinking.."what have i gotten myself into?  i really like the person… F*ck!!

Could it be since i was slowly healing my wounds with Mr. Complicated that i became too complacent in terms of guarding my heart. There is that old saying in our culture that the best way for the wound to heal is to remove the bandage and let it air out.. Maybe that's what my heart did… to hasten the healing process open the heart and air out the wound.

Unfortunately it didn’t quite work as plan.. that an Open Heart is a dangerous thing.

I have to close it back again before its too late… i am not sure when i will open it back again.. in the next year or the next 5 years.. all i know is that unless i am 100% sure i won't risk it.

Insensitive

Disappointed.. 
Hurt.... 

I don't know if he is doing this in purpose. Being insensitive.
Isn't it obvious? I like you.  For crying out loud.  I wouldn't be wasting my time replying to your messages or not sleep early just to talk to you... 

stop this Dhon... you know that this is not good for you.  An expose heart is a very dangerous thing

Coffee and Mr. Backpacker

What’s with you, Mr. Backpacker? 

Why do I end up smiling every time we talk either via phone or SMS. 

I don’t understand what’s happening… your messages to me are like my morning coffee.

My day will never be complete without it.  

OPEN LETTER: To my one and only MR. COMPLICATED

Dear Mr. Complicated,

This letter is 6 months in the making. It took me 6 months to sit down in front of my laptop to write a letter to you.  Yes, it has been 6 months since that day.

 It took me this long to muster enough strength to face all the feelings (the good and the bad) I have carefully wrapped with all the tears I shed and buckets of beer I consumed to act as an envelope and sealant.

Remember those times when we would be invisible to the world? We would turn off our phones or at least place it on Silent-Vibration Off.  We were happy in our own little world.  There we shared everything our opinions, heart and soul. 

We fought about the best Anime of all time, best movie and favorite dishes. Korean vs. Japanese, I still believe it’s Japanese! 

We kissed like there was no tomorrow and cuddle till we fall asleep.

I was HAPPY and I know you were HAPPY also.

For the first time after a very long time, I let someone inside my heart.

I remembered you use to comfort me when I got stressed out at work and you would just listen to me and hug me like there’s no tomorrow.  

I still remembered when you thought that I was asleep. You whispered something to me that made me cry.. “Dhon.. sana nagging babae ka nalang… “I felt like a knife pierced through my heart. I waited for you to fall asleep and cried at the bathroom.

That was the beginning of the end. 

I was such in a dark place for 6 months even until now. 

I guess I was partly to blame since I know from the very beginning you didn't want to be in a relationship that it was just for fun and good time. 

I wish things were different..

I wish you were braver

I wish i was a bit stronger 

I went as far as cursing and making a Deal with GOD..

I guess I need to take the hint that there are just something that are not meant to be. 

just so you know... i am still teaching my heart to stop loving you. i haven't had much progress and it will take some time. i know one day we will both come to realize and understand the purpose of the time and the Love we both shared. 

I know together with that realization is a glue that will allow me to piece my heart back together so i can learn to love again with all of my unbroken heart. 

Love,

DHON 

Random thoughts in Gigantes Island